Feeling Spiritually Sick

There are so many things on my mind, and I really struggled knowing what to write today.  For that reason, here goes some stream of conscious writing.  The title will emerge as I finish, I am sure, but I hope that whatever comes out can help strengthen me and someone else in the process. 

The other day, I was feeling spiritually sick.  Not “deathly ill in bed” sort of sick, but “I have a pretty bad headache, and I don’t feel like doing anything productive” kind of sick.  It hurt quite a bit.  I was having a hard time feeling compassion or motivation to do anything.  I felt like I was unworthy to progress.  I made some silly mistake and started to beat myself up about it.  Why is it that life gets so difficult?  Why can’t it be easier?  I wanted to pray, to go to the temple, to read my scriptures, to serve…to do anything and everything I knew I could to get back what I felt I had lost, but I was physically having the hardest time starting the process.  I felt like  a child that just snuck something I shouldn’t have out of the kitchen, and I was afraid to own up to it, even though it wasn’t a secret to my mom and dad. 

In my mind, I remembered a church talk from years ago on the subject.  Paraphrased, it went something like this: There will be times when you have no desire to pray.  You will feel like your Heavenly Father does not want to talk with you because you made a mistake.  Here is my advice: Pray until you feel like praying again.  Pray until that desire comes back, and don’t give up. 

So I did.  I decided that I needed to do all of those things I knew would get me back, but I struggled to begin.  At first it was hard, and it felt empty trying, but as I continued to push through, it came back.  A flood of peace and light came pouring back into my day.  I was reminded of John 7:17: “If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself.”  Sometimes, we can’t know if something works or if something is true until we try it first had.  That is the ultimate test.  Does it bring forth fruit?  Is it good?  Does it work?  Then it is true.

Is repentance real?  Yes!  Can we change?  Absolutely yes!  We were created to do so.  Some of my sweetest spiritual experiences haven’t been the large miracles or miraculous manifestations of the Holy Ghost.  They have simply been the quiet moments where I absolutely knew with everything inside of me that in that particular moment, I had used the Atonement to become clean from all of my sins as if I had just been baptized again seconds ago.  That is the power of Christ.  The miracle of forgiveness is that you can actually have a knowledge that you have become pure and confidently stand before God.  No amount of confidence in any other area comes anywhere close to that! 

I am not perfect.  I will make more mistakes.  Guaranteed.  But I do know how to repent.  I know how to pray, ask for forgiveness, make it right again, renew my covenants through sacrament and service to others, and move onward.  That is the miracle of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The word “gospel” literally translates as “good news.”  I can’t think of any news greater than the fact that we can actually change and become 100% clean through the Atonement of Christ.  Guilt will be gone.  Anything that brings you down will be gone.  You will feel confident walking in the presence of God because you have become like him.  You will be home.  That is my desire, and that is why it is worth it to push through the sick days.  I am so grateful for a knowledge of how to get better.