Feeling Spiritually Sick

There are so many things on my mind, and I really struggled knowing what to write today.  For that reason, here goes some stream of conscious writing.  The title will emerge as I finish, I am sure, but I hope that whatever comes out can help strengthen me and someone else in the process. 

The other day, I was feeling spiritually sick.  Not “deathly ill in bed” sort of sick, but “I have a pretty bad headache, and I don’t feel like doing anything productive” kind of sick.  It hurt quite a bit.  I was having a hard time feeling compassion or motivation to do anything.  I felt like I was unworthy to progress.  I made some silly mistake and started to beat myself up about it.  Why is it that life gets so difficult?  Why can’t it be easier?  I wanted to pray, to go to the temple, to read my scriptures, to serve…to do anything and everything I knew I could to get back what I felt I had lost, but I was physically having the hardest time starting the process.  I felt like  a child that just snuck something I shouldn’t have out of the kitchen, and I was afraid to own up to it, even though it wasn’t a secret to my mom and dad. 

In my mind, I remembered a church talk from years ago on the subject.  Paraphrased, it went something like this: There will be times when you have no desire to pray.  You will feel like your Heavenly Father does not want to talk with you because you made a mistake.  Here is my advice: Pray until you feel like praying again.  Pray until that desire comes back, and don’t give up. 

So I did.  I decided that I needed to do all of those things I knew would get me back, but I struggled to begin.  At first it was hard, and it felt empty trying, but as I continued to push through, it came back.  A flood of peace and light came pouring back into my day.  I was reminded of John 7:17: “If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself.”  Sometimes, we can’t know if something works or if something is true until we try it first had.  That is the ultimate test.  Does it bring forth fruit?  Is it good?  Does it work?  Then it is true.

Is repentance real?  Yes!  Can we change?  Absolutely yes!  We were created to do so.  Some of my sweetest spiritual experiences haven’t been the large miracles or miraculous manifestations of the Holy Ghost.  They have simply been the quiet moments where I absolutely knew with everything inside of me that in that particular moment, I had used the Atonement to become clean from all of my sins as if I had just been baptized again seconds ago.  That is the power of Christ.  The miracle of forgiveness is that you can actually have a knowledge that you have become pure and confidently stand before God.  No amount of confidence in any other area comes anywhere close to that! 

I am not perfect.  I will make more mistakes.  Guaranteed.  But I do know how to repent.  I know how to pray, ask for forgiveness, make it right again, renew my covenants through sacrament and service to others, and move onward.  That is the miracle of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The word “gospel” literally translates as “good news.”  I can’t think of any news greater than the fact that we can actually change and become 100% clean through the Atonement of Christ.  Guilt will be gone.  Anything that brings you down will be gone.  You will feel confident walking in the presence of God because you have become like him.  You will be home.  That is my desire, and that is why it is worth it to push through the sick days.  I am so grateful for a knowledge of how to get better.  

Hugging Hedgehogs

Last weekend, a couple of my roommates went to a Hedgehog festival.  Yes, a hedgehog festival!  It was hilarious! They got to hold hedgehogs and mingle with some very interesting people! It actually sounded like a lot of fun!  After their adventures, I was talking

with a group of friends and the question was brought up, “They are so cute, but is it worth it to have one as a pet?  I feel like they would be so hard to cuddle with!”  My friend had a point, and it got me thinking.  Recently, I was listening to a BYU devotional by Robert H. Todd in 2007, and he tells a story that addresses the concept of unconditional love.  We are commanded to love one another, but sometimes it is hard and even painful.  I devote this thought to anyone who has been hurt when they have tried to help or love someone else.  Whether we are the one hurting or the one helping, there is always a lesson to learn. 

Once upon a time, there was a small boy who loved to play with his dog, Smokey.  Their favorite game involved Smokey chasing after tennis balls that the boy would throw in all sorts of directions.  Day after day they played, and the two of them became best friends.  Smokey had only one fault.  While he was innocently obsessed with chasing tennis balls, but he was also obsessed with running out into the street and chasing trucks as they passed by.

One day, the boy heard a truck coming.  Thinking of his best friend, he immediately ran into the front yard just in time to see Smokey run straight for the wheels.  He tried to call after his precious dog, but he couldn’t be heard.  At that moment, the dog slipped under the truck and was badly hurt.  The boy ran out into the street, trying to comfort his friend, but as soon as he got close enough, Smokey bit his hand as hard as he could.  The little boy was astonished.  Why would his wonderful dog that he loved so much bite him?  He was only trying to comfort him.  Later that day at the vet’s office, the boy was told that Smokey was hurt so badly that he would have to be put to sleep.  He was left devastated and confused. 

Robert H. Todd told this personal story from his childhood to illustrate a lesson that he learned later in life.  Unconditional love is a very difficult thing.  Sometimes, those who are hurting strike out and hurt those they love most, simply because they are hurt.  We are then left with a choice.  Do we stop helping them because it is too painful?  Or do we continue to love, even when we receive nothing and often times pain in return? I am always inspired when I see people choose the latter.  I have seen this when my own parents continue to love us kids when we make less than good choices.  I have seen it when people try their very best to keep their marriage strong, even when it is hard.  I have seen it among my own friends and even strangers as they tirelessly serve each other.  Here are some of the things I have taken from this story:

1.       Don’t give up, even when it becomes difficult to love.  Although the immediate reaction from those you serve might be negative, the memory of the choice you made to stick with it and keep loving them will be far more influential than anything else you could do. 

2.       Even after your best efforts, the consequences can still take their toll.  The little boy did everything within his power to warn his dog, but sometimes, the poor choices of others cause an even greater heartache than you could have imagined.  It is not your fault.  You did all you could do, and you were there to the end, even if it seemed that you weren’t wanted. 

3.       People can change, although it may take time.  Unconditional love is more powerful than we give it credit.  As we love those who are difficult to love, their own hearts will soften.  It may be that one day they are great and the next they bite, but as we are consistent in our love for them, we can teach them to trust again.  We can be strong for their sake. 

4.       Everyone needs to be loved, including the hedgehogs and porcupines.  No matter what the circumstances are, it is one of our deepest needs and desires.  Often, the ones who are toughest to love are the ones who need it the most. 

5.       Recognize when you are the one hurting.  Very few people truly have evil intentions.  They are probably trying to help you or understand you, but without much success.  Be open.  Trust them.  Accept kindness.  We may want to be tough and do everything on our own, but it’s ok to let other people help us.  You will be helping them in return just by accepting that friendship.

6.       Finally, remember the bigger picture.  This story, along with personal experiences, has given me a small glimpse into how Heavenly Father must feel as He interacts with us.  Think of the world as a whole and how we treat God.  I can’t imagine the heartache He endures as He tries to reach out to each of His children, only to be rejected, ignored, blamed, and dismissed as a fantasy.  Yet, He still loves us and knows each one of us personally, regardless of what we believe or how we are acting towards Him.  How often do we strike out at God?  How often do we refuse thanks or kindness, simply because we are hurting so much?  Sometimes the very being we blame is the being who is coming to our aid. He is our Father, and He has been there the whole time. I know that because I have felt it.  Don’t get discouraged.  You are not alone.