Inspired Dead Ends

I have been thinking a lot about dead ends.  They are discouraging, especially if you sincerely felt that the path you were on was endorsed and even inspired by our Heavenly Father.  After so many dead ends, I have tried to make sense of why.  Why would I be led down a path only to find embarrassment, pain, and frustration?  I was 100% certain that this was the Lord’s will.  I had felt confirmations time and time again.  It just didn’t make any sense.  A couple days ago, I discovered this video, which actually addresses this very question.  It was exactly what I needed, and I wanted to share it.

 

 

I think it takes a lot of maturity to recognize that the Lord might be leading us towards a dead end for a much higher purpose.  In the Old Testament, the Lord led Moses and the children of Israel straight into a deathly trap between the edge of the Red Sea and Pharaoh’s army.  I have no doubt that the children of Israel questioned the wisdom of God at that moment. Why would He deliver them from Egypt only to lead them to their death? This desperate situation allowed Moses to exercise his own faith along with the faith of the children of Israel, which resulted in one of the most miraculous events in history with the parting of the Red Sea.  The Lord needed to communicate that nothing was impossible, that Moses was, in fact, a capable prophet and leader, and that the children of Israel would not be forgotten by the Lord even after their deliverance from Egypt.  Had they not been driven to the water’s edge, the opportunity to exercise that caliber of faith and power would not have been a possibility. 

 

Similarly in the Book of Mormon, Lehi and his family had the help of the liahona to guide them to the promised land, but the path they took was far from direct.  Traveling from Jerusalem to the sea should not take eight years.  There were undoubtedly times when they were living righteously and seeking the direction of the Lord and were still led in crooked paths.  It is on these paths where we learn how to be Christ-like.  We learn patience and trust. In the process, we become prepared to receive the promised blessings, whereas we may not have been capable of receiving them at the beginning of our journey. 

 

To be honest, there are times when I feel like I can’t move forward.  I am retracing my steps back down the wrong road towards the fork, but I don’t have the energy to try the right path just yet.  The wrong road exhausted me so much that I just want to take a minute to sit down at the fork and cry.  I wasted so much time and energy.  How could that have been right?  This is where we have a choice: we can question the wisdom of God, we can question our own ability to understand and follow personal revelation, or we can humbly trust that Heavenly Father knows what He is doing and so do we.  Trust the Spirit. Trust the promptings.  Trust in God. Trust that He knows more than we do.  Yes, it may take a second to regain your composure, but the second you do, get back up and confidently walk down the right path, or another dead end, as the case may be.  Each dead end only illuminates the right path even more brilliantly.  Considering the many dead ends I have experienced in various areas of life, at least I can be confident that my path forward will be so overwhelmingly bright that there is not a chance I will miss it!  For that I am grateful!

 

Feeling Spiritually Sick

There are so many things on my mind, and I really struggled knowing what to write today.  For that reason, here goes some stream of conscious writing.  The title will emerge as I finish, I am sure, but I hope that whatever comes out can help strengthen me and someone else in the process. 

The other day, I was feeling spiritually sick.  Not “deathly ill in bed” sort of sick, but “I have a pretty bad headache, and I don’t feel like doing anything productive” kind of sick.  It hurt quite a bit.  I was having a hard time feeling compassion or motivation to do anything.  I felt like I was unworthy to progress.  I made some silly mistake and started to beat myself up about it.  Why is it that life gets so difficult?  Why can’t it be easier?  I wanted to pray, to go to the temple, to read my scriptures, to serve…to do anything and everything I knew I could to get back what I felt I had lost, but I was physically having the hardest time starting the process.  I felt like  a child that just snuck something I shouldn’t have out of the kitchen, and I was afraid to own up to it, even though it wasn’t a secret to my mom and dad. 

In my mind, I remembered a church talk from years ago on the subject.  Paraphrased, it went something like this: There will be times when you have no desire to pray.  You will feel like your Heavenly Father does not want to talk with you because you made a mistake.  Here is my advice: Pray until you feel like praying again.  Pray until that desire comes back, and don’t give up. 

So I did.  I decided that I needed to do all of those things I knew would get me back, but I struggled to begin.  At first it was hard, and it felt empty trying, but as I continued to push through, it came back.  A flood of peace and light came pouring back into my day.  I was reminded of John 7:17: “If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself.”  Sometimes, we can’t know if something works or if something is true until we try it first had.  That is the ultimate test.  Does it bring forth fruit?  Is it good?  Does it work?  Then it is true.

Is repentance real?  Yes!  Can we change?  Absolutely yes!  We were created to do so.  Some of my sweetest spiritual experiences haven’t been the large miracles or miraculous manifestations of the Holy Ghost.  They have simply been the quiet moments where I absolutely knew with everything inside of me that in that particular moment, I had used the Atonement to become clean from all of my sins as if I had just been baptized again seconds ago.  That is the power of Christ.  The miracle of forgiveness is that you can actually have a knowledge that you have become pure and confidently stand before God.  No amount of confidence in any other area comes anywhere close to that! 

I am not perfect.  I will make more mistakes.  Guaranteed.  But I do know how to repent.  I know how to pray, ask for forgiveness, make it right again, renew my covenants through sacrament and service to others, and move onward.  That is the miracle of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The word “gospel” literally translates as “good news.”  I can’t think of any news greater than the fact that we can actually change and become 100% clean through the Atonement of Christ.  Guilt will be gone.  Anything that brings you down will be gone.  You will feel confident walking in the presence of God because you have become like him.  You will be home.  That is my desire, and that is why it is worth it to push through the sick days.  I am so grateful for a knowledge of how to get better.  

Hugging Hedgehogs

Last weekend, a couple of my roommates went to a Hedgehog festival.  Yes, a hedgehog festival!  It was hilarious! They got to hold hedgehogs and mingle with some very interesting people! It actually sounded like a lot of fun!  After their adventures, I was talking

with a group of friends and the question was brought up, “They are so cute, but is it worth it to have one as a pet?  I feel like they would be so hard to cuddle with!”  My friend had a point, and it got me thinking.  Recently, I was listening to a BYU devotional by Robert H. Todd in 2007, and he tells a story that addresses the concept of unconditional love.  We are commanded to love one another, but sometimes it is hard and even painful.  I devote this thought to anyone who has been hurt when they have tried to help or love someone else.  Whether we are the one hurting or the one helping, there is always a lesson to learn. 

Once upon a time, there was a small boy who loved to play with his dog, Smokey.  Their favorite game involved Smokey chasing after tennis balls that the boy would throw in all sorts of directions.  Day after day they played, and the two of them became best friends.  Smokey had only one fault.  While he was innocently obsessed with chasing tennis balls, but he was also obsessed with running out into the street and chasing trucks as they passed by.

One day, the boy heard a truck coming.  Thinking of his best friend, he immediately ran into the front yard just in time to see Smokey run straight for the wheels.  He tried to call after his precious dog, but he couldn’t be heard.  At that moment, the dog slipped under the truck and was badly hurt.  The boy ran out into the street, trying to comfort his friend, but as soon as he got close enough, Smokey bit his hand as hard as he could.  The little boy was astonished.  Why would his wonderful dog that he loved so much bite him?  He was only trying to comfort him.  Later that day at the vet’s office, the boy was told that Smokey was hurt so badly that he would have to be put to sleep.  He was left devastated and confused. 

Robert H. Todd told this personal story from his childhood to illustrate a lesson that he learned later in life.  Unconditional love is a very difficult thing.  Sometimes, those who are hurting strike out and hurt those they love most, simply because they are hurt.  We are then left with a choice.  Do we stop helping them because it is too painful?  Or do we continue to love, even when we receive nothing and often times pain in return? I am always inspired when I see people choose the latter.  I have seen this when my own parents continue to love us kids when we make less than good choices.  I have seen it when people try their very best to keep their marriage strong, even when it is hard.  I have seen it among my own friends and even strangers as they tirelessly serve each other.  Here are some of the things I have taken from this story:

1.       Don’t give up, even when it becomes difficult to love.  Although the immediate reaction from those you serve might be negative, the memory of the choice you made to stick with it and keep loving them will be far more influential than anything else you could do. 

2.       Even after your best efforts, the consequences can still take their toll.  The little boy did everything within his power to warn his dog, but sometimes, the poor choices of others cause an even greater heartache than you could have imagined.  It is not your fault.  You did all you could do, and you were there to the end, even if it seemed that you weren’t wanted. 

3.       People can change, although it may take time.  Unconditional love is more powerful than we give it credit.  As we love those who are difficult to love, their own hearts will soften.  It may be that one day they are great and the next they bite, but as we are consistent in our love for them, we can teach them to trust again.  We can be strong for their sake. 

4.       Everyone needs to be loved, including the hedgehogs and porcupines.  No matter what the circumstances are, it is one of our deepest needs and desires.  Often, the ones who are toughest to love are the ones who need it the most. 

5.       Recognize when you are the one hurting.  Very few people truly have evil intentions.  They are probably trying to help you or understand you, but without much success.  Be open.  Trust them.  Accept kindness.  We may want to be tough and do everything on our own, but it’s ok to let other people help us.  You will be helping them in return just by accepting that friendship.

6.       Finally, remember the bigger picture.  This story, along with personal experiences, has given me a small glimpse into how Heavenly Father must feel as He interacts with us.  Think of the world as a whole and how we treat God.  I can’t imagine the heartache He endures as He tries to reach out to each of His children, only to be rejected, ignored, blamed, and dismissed as a fantasy.  Yet, He still loves us and knows each one of us personally, regardless of what we believe or how we are acting towards Him.  How often do we strike out at God?  How often do we refuse thanks or kindness, simply because we are hurting so much?  Sometimes the very being we blame is the being who is coming to our aid. He is our Father, and He has been there the whole time. I know that because I have felt it.  Don’t get discouraged.  You are not alone.  

Smile!

This morning, a friend of mine wrote me asking advice for a missionary who would soon be serving in New York City.  Since I had served there five years ago, I was excited to pass on what I had learned.  I love that city and I love the people there!

In response, I wrote, “New York is crazy! There will always be someone on the street who is crazier than you.  Nothing you can say or do will surprise them, so you might as well say sincerely what is in your heart to everyone you see.  Always speak with love, and always smile.  You will stand out more that way than almost any other way.” 

As I was writing this, I recalled an experience from my own time there.  I was on the west side of Manhattan with my missionary companion.  As we took the subway that afternoon, I was startled when a middle-aged woman in business casual addressed me.

 “You’re not from around here.”

“Nope!” I responded, “I grew up in Los Angeles.”

“I could tell.  You just look too happy to be from New York! No one smiles like that on the subway!”

We both laughed and quickly parted ways as the crowd moved through the newly opened doors onto the platform.    

I have since thought about the significance of that experience.  Nothing can represent the Savior better than a smile.  Apparently, it set me apart, and it was more readily recognizable than even the name tag I was wearing.  

My family has a favorite picture which has served as our family room desktop background for a few years now.  I am not sure where it came from, but to this day, I can’t look at it without getting a silly grin on my face! 

No matter what sort of environment we find ourselves in, I know that we can choose to smile.  It is fashionable to frown.  It is fashionable to complain.  It is even fashionable to be miserable, but life is far more enjoyable when we choose to be the odd one out.  Many of us are on a quest to be an individual, to make a difference, and to be recognized as unique and valuable.  If you want to succeed, smile!  You will surprise everyone, including yourself! J

Disney Movie Lessons

One of my favorite things to do when I watch a movie is to draw out the positive insights and hints of truth that are hidden in almost everything we create.  It reminds me that even though the world is constantly changing, certain truths still exist and make their way into society.  It somehow sounds familiar to all kinds of people, and I love that! Here are some lessons I've learned from a few Disney movies:

Aladdin

The grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence.  We may longingly wish for an alternate life or identity, thinking that our trials would be easier if things were different.  In reality, we are all the same.  We still have the same basic needs and feel the same basic emotions.  Our unique circumstances are specifically designed to help us grow and become who we need to be, and they are surprisingly equal.  Sometimes we may say like Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof, “If riches are a curse, may God smite me with it, and may I never recover!” But trust in the purpose of your specific trials.  One man’s riches may teach the same lesson as another man’s poverty.  Like Aladdin, we must learn to be ourselves and not be ashamed. 

Peter Pan

Happy thoughts really can make you fly!  Even if you have all of the tools to succeed (fairy dust) you aren’t going to go anywhere unless you are positive.  Like everything, it can sometimes take practice.    

Pinocchio

In order to be a “real boy” (or girl), you must prove yourself brave, truthful, and unselfish.  This entire story is an allegory for our current situation.  Pinocchio began his existence with his creator, Geppetto.  He becomes a living puppet, loved and taught by his Father, but he is still made of wood.  In order to become “real,” he must ultimately leave his true home and discover for himself what it means to become “brave, truthful, and unselfish” with his conscience as his guide.  Like all of us, Pinocchio passes through death, but becomes “real” because of the good choices he made.  He had become like Geppetto, his Creator and Father.  I was definitely an adult before I realized how doctrinally deep this story is!  How are we doing with our quest to become “real?” 

Beauty and the Beast

“Do not be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within,” even in the foulest of creatures. The curse was ultimately cast by the Beast himself.  He became outwardly what he was on the inside.  Although this seems like a harsh spell, it makes the point that you do not need to be defined by appearances and stereotypes to become kind and to love unconditionally.  The spell was ultimately cast to help the Beast discover that he was capable of loving and changing, even when he lacked confidence in himself.  Very often, the greater the obstacle is to overcome, the stronger the love is that develops as a result.  Take a chance and look for the good in others.  Allow others to love you, even if the natural tendency is to push them away.  Unconditional love breaks any spell. 

The Lion King

Remember who you are.  You are the son or daughter of a king with divine heritage and divine potential.  This applies to every single person, regardless of background or current circumstances.  If you truly know who you are and where you came from, it will change the way you speak, act, and treat others.  It will guide the decisions you make in this life.  You, too, were born to be a king.  

The Worth of a Quarter

I have been toying with the idea of recording thoughts, insights, and stories for the purpose of strengthening and empowering my own faith as well as others’.  The word “empower” is very telling: it means to invest with power, supply with ability, and enable.  “Empowered faith” allows us to do things we otherwise could not on our own.  Faith is more than just an emotional anchor, it is a tangible tool.  My aim is to figure out how to use it and help others do the same. 

The other day, I was reminded of this experience.  It is dedicated to anyone who has ever had a difficult day.  I am sure I am in good company!

It was early October, and I was in my second year of teaching choir.  I didn't wake up intending for it to be a bad day, but as the day continued, everything seemed to be going wrong. 

That morning, I woke to discover that someone had actually pried open the hood of my car and had stolen the light bulbs and plastic covering for my turning signals, leaving only two black holes and some misplaced wires.  I was shocked that was even a possibility! Then the shipments of choir uniforms came in, but the color was wrong, which meant a lot of extra work and stress to ensure that the right color would arrive by the concert. On top of that, my favorite scarf from New York went missing sometime before lunch.  I was sick, tired, and completely frustrated.  

                During my prep period, I decided to use the last five minutes and read a talk entitled, “The Privilege of Prayer.”  It begins with a story about a man who had an extremely difficult day at work.  As he was biking home, he said a very simple prayer that he would be able to find a quarter on the side of the road so he could buy some chicken to cheer him up before coming home to his wife and family.  Miraculously, he found a quarter across the street, and he was able to buy the chicken and ride cheerfully home. 

                As I sat in my office, tears started to come.  (That is especially bad when you have to teach in less than a minute!)  I needed a “quarter.”  How was I supposed to teach these kids in the broken and beat state I was in?  I wasn't sure exactly what I needed, but I knelt down and prayed to the Lord for strength.  I prayed for my own version of a quarter—just something that would help me get through a difficult day at work.

3^rd period came quickly, which was naturally a rough class to teach considering it was 120 non-auditioned 8^th graders.  Help!   I wondered how I would be able to continue teaching the next class, when one of my 8^th grade boys came up to me. “Miss Johanson,” he said, “I just found this quarter on the ground.  Do you want it?”  That was my answer.  A Quarter.  He literally answered my prayer with a quarter! God does have a sense of humor!  I almost laughed and tried not to cry in front of my student.  “Thank you.” That was definitely one way to let me know I was not forgotten!  Even a couple years later, I still have that quarter.

As I was thinking about this experience, I decided to record the lessons learned.

1.       God exists. He loves us and is actually aware of what we are going through. 

2.       He has a sense of humor! J I prayed for a quarter (figuratively) and I got…a quarter! Fabulous!  I can now dry my laundry an extra 12 minutes!!  But in all seriousness, that quarter means we are remembered and loved.  More importantly, it means that our prayers are always heard, even if they are not answered in the way we had expected or hoped. 

3.       God’s love does not mean you will get what you want when you want it.  Yes, it would have been nice for my turning signals to have appeared on the piano in the auditorium, but that didn’t happen.  It isn’t wise for a parent to give a child everything as soon as they ask for it.  What a mess the kid would turn out to be!  But I am grateful for a tangible token to remind me to never get discouraged.

4.       Finally, be the answer to someone else’s prayer.  Jesse will probably never know what finding that quarter meant to me that day, but as long as we each keep serving and looking for opportunities to help, we are bound to do something good.